The Pregnant Widow

This is a book about going to the beach and looking at things which is not always a good idea as sometimes people do not want you to look at their things even though they have their things right there and they shout and then when you still don’t stop they look frightened and cry or run away. This is confusing and this book is probably confusing.

Also two ladies cannot make a baby together. Martin Amis is an idiot and only gets published because his dad used to play James Bond. I don’t know what “phenomenal” means- is it like in the film Phenomenon when everyone thinks John Travolta is magic but then he dies of cancer? Seems a bit harsh.

Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

I really do not like this cover at all. The faces are a bit like something from one of those computer films that’s a bit like Toy Story but not really as good because someone dropped the film down a valley and it came out all wrong.

The big green faces are very scary and perhaps the reason everyone in this new world (that is what olden days people called America before they found out about it from watching HBO, so this is probably about America) had to be very brave is because they all got spooked by each other’s faces and lips. 

I just thought about what it would be like to kiss a frightening floating green head and felt bad in my insides, this is a dreadful book about dreadful people and I would not like to look at it any more.

Streetchild (Markthree Media)

Some ‘excellent’ ‘acting’ from me in this comedy sketch by the brilliant Elise Bramich.

STREET CHILD

Performed by Sarah Pearce Ed Jefferson Mark Allen Runner Katrina Cornibert Camera Jeremy Bishop Directed and edited by Jack Burnford Written and produced by Elise Bramich Executive Producer Kate Monaghan

My face was briefly on the front page of the comedy website Chortle for a bit after this. I am available for any Hollywood films.

Christos Tsiolkas – The Slap

I don’t really know why a book about some legs and grass would become an international bestseller, so I think this book is one of those logic puzzles like when a man dies in a glass of water because he tried to stay in an infinite number of hotel rooms. Why would you slap a child who is not your own when everyone knows it is only fun to hit things that are related to you?

Perhaps the man has gone back in time and the child he is slapping is himself because he has quite severe personality issues and needs to literalise them. Or maybe the child is a dwarven terrorist. Or a ghost.

Anyway, when you work out why the man hit the child you win a golden rabbit or some cigarettes I expect.

The Echo Man – Richard Montanari

I think this is a stupid book about a man who murders musical instruments in a cave. Well done. I don’t know why he would do this, most people don’t care that much about musical instruments unless they are famous or magic like the piano in the film The Piano if it could cure cancer. I hate this book. Every death doesn’t make an echo. What about a duck? I am so angry.

One Day – By David Nicholls

This is cheating because I have seen pictures like this before so I know that this book is about a vase, although it’s all wonky. I think it is about two people who are so bad at pottery that they take twenty years to make one wonky vase and then have to lie and say they did in one day so as not to look like pathetic potters and be the mockery of the pottery world.

I would say that this isn’t a very good book as the letters aren’t even all the right way up and not even the same not the right way up so it’s probably really hard to read unless you had a special book gyroscope.

While The Clock Ticked – Franklin W. Dixon

I should start by saying that I have heard of The Hardy Boys before; if you haven’t I think they are like The Famous Five but in America and without girls, transvestites or dogs. The title makes this sound quite ambitious for a book for children as a clock can tick for quite a long time especially a grandfather clock which was started by your grandfather because he couldn’t afford a digital watch.

However I don’t believe that your grandfather has a legal obligation to live behind the grandfather clock which might be why the two boys look so surprised that this is what he does. I don’t know why grandfather would want to tie them up, either. It’s possible the painting is misleading and they’re just covering their mouths because he smells weird and musty like old people do when some bits of them die too early or they forget what a bath is.

I think this book might be quite frightening for small children as they would expect their grandfather to live behind a clock and smell a bit like death so I would not let them look at it or tell them about it. I also do not like the colour selected for the name of the author as it makes it quite hard to read and that’s Franklin disrespectful (this is a pun I should have written frankly disrespectful but the author’s name is Franklin so I swapped them).

If they still make new ones of this book they should change the grandfather clock to a modern day clock, like that one that projects the time onto the ceiling with lasers so you know what time it is even if you are lying down.

Francis Fukuyama – The End Of History And The Last Man

The olden days-type picture is pretty off-putting as if I was going to write a book about The End Of History I would probably draw something exploding, or perhaps someone setting fire to Simon Schama. Also I don’t think Francis Fukuyama has thought this through very clearly because although all history is in the past and so it is The End Of History now, tomorrow me writing this review will also be history so when I just said it is The End Of History now I was wrong because it was not The End Of History as it turns out. I apologise for the confusion.

But if it is about a future End Of History And The Last Man, I don’t understand why there are quite a few men on the cover. Also they are all historical men from the past? Maybe they are all actually future ladies from the future because in the future ladies can sometimes look like men thanks to Germaine Greer inventing something called feminism.

I cannot recommend this book as I am more confused after looking at the cover than before I had looked at the cover. That penguin has turned up again though, which is nice.

War And Peace – Leo Tolstoy

Horse-Man War. Horse is at War with Man. Man is at War with Horse. Man wants to ride Horse. Horse does not want to be ridden. Man tries to throw blanket over Horse-head. Horse tries to throw Man to ground. Man and Horse forever at War?How long until Man src= Horse with Lurking Wheels? Will they ever find Peace?

I recommend this book to anyone who likes reading about an olden days man fighting a horse.

Robertson Davies – The Deptford Trilogy

Robertson Davies – The Deptford Trilogy

At first glance this book seems to be about a lion-man hybrid who collects things, e.g. a pink egg, an animal skull. And and he has a speartail and lives in Deptford? He doesn’t seem very happy so maybe he’s just found out the egg is from a battery hen.

However, I would guess that if these are, as the quote on the front suggests, supposed to be some of the most important novels of the 20th century that this is in fact something I have heard of called metaphor.

Metaphor is where you pretend a book is about something interesting like a lion-man hybrid but actually it is about something boring like feelings. The lion-man is unhappy because using your speartail to collect eggs and skulls is not very fulfilling. Both women and lionesses find him a disgusting freak. He will die alone. Much like BIG BUSINESS? Or CLASS? Or JESUS?

So I would not recommend this book because the lion-man is almost certainly a metaphor, and also because I went to Deptford once and it was pretty rubbish. There is a big anchor on the high street if you like big anchors. Robertson is a stupid first name.