The complex relationship between Eurovision and politics has long been the subject of debate – some maintain the competition is based as much on geopolitical relationships as it is on musical talent.
You might think the worst thing the Tories have ever done to this country is to close all the mines or attempt to gut the NHS. But you’d be wrong. The worst thing they’ve done is RUIN DOCTOR WHO.
Vin Diesel is so pumped for Furious 7 that he thinks it’s going to win Best Picture at next year’s Oscars. We’ve seen it, and we’ve got to say that it’s a contender. Not only that, we think all the other films in the Fast & Furious franchise were ROBBED.
Ah, Rainbow, the exceptionally vibrant TV show that told amazing stories of a man who for some reason lived with a bear, a pink hippo and a weird zip-mouthed thing. It was all a bit odd if you stopped to think about it – here are 17 particularly strange Rainbow memories we dug out of our brains: And it’s a drawing of a bed.
Although Neighbours is supposed to be about an ordinary suburban street, over the last 30 years the soap has featured some of television’s strangest plot devices, from sudden memory loss to surprisingly magic mushrooms. Here are our favourites: After a fall, Queen of Ramsay Street mums and high school principal Susan started to believe that she was 16 years old again.
I was going to go for a walk and then my mum asked me to take the dog and I didn’t want to because I was worried I would lose the dog or make it die in some way so instead I have decided to review all the films I saw in the cinema except any that I have forgotten.
Saving Mr Banks – this was about Mary Poppins’ dad or something and I think I cried because I was having a DIFFICULT WEEK.
American Hustle – everyone was dumb and/or cross and I didn’t like it.
Gravity – it was funny when George Clooney was Space Jesus.
The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty – I guess Ben Stiller wanted a holiday and made this pile of shit so other people would pay for it.
12 Years A Slave – it was bad what happened to that guy and it was weird watching in a big room full of other people. Also Benedict Cumberbatch was in it for some reason.
The Railway Man – it was also quite bad what happened to that guy.
Anchorman 2 – this had one funny joke in it but I can’t remember what it was and the rest was appalling and if you liked this you are a bad person.
The Wolf Of Wall Street – this had good bits like when he’s done all drugs and can’t get into his car, but is 7 hours long for some reason and then at the end of the day it’s a real dude who basically got away with it and is still awful?
Inside Llewyn Davis – this gave me a lot of feelings but then I rewatched it and maybe didn’t have as many feelings but I like the song about the astronaut.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – I don’t remember watching this or why I watched it but it had Captain Kirk in it.
Robocop – they should have made the RoboCop remake be a meta-film about a cashgrab RoboCop remake or something. Maybe a stuntman has an accident and they make him into a RoboCop? I don’t know but it would be better than this although it was sort of weird and funny when they took off RoboCop’s body and he was all just lungs in a jar.
The Lego Movie – 1) It had Lego in it. 2) The best Batman film since the 1960s. 3) Grumpy Harrison Ford obviously refused to play Lego Han Solo, what a twat. 4) Just 100%, really.
Her – like Black Mirror would be if Black Mirror was good although I seem to remember some bits were painfully awkward and made me want to shout “DON’T DO THAT” at the man.
A New York Winter’s Tale – Colin Farrell gets a magic horse and tries to use it to steal some silver but instead steals the love of a beautiful daughter but the beautiful daughter has consumption and he tries to kiss it better with magic but it doesn’t work so instead he walks around New York for 100 years until he can kiss an 8 year old’s cancer better? Also Will Smith is in it as the devil. 10/10
Grand Budapest Hotel – I don’t know. Lots of things happened and it looked pretty.
The Zero Theorem – thin residues of leftover Gilliam with the occasional good bit, then it turns out to have been all about those damned money men at the studios messing with my creativity, maaaan! Oh dear.
Captain America – The Winter Soldier – The best bit of this film was when Jenny Agutter started doing kung fu stuff and the worst bit was when it turned out it was Scarlett Johansson in a Jenny Agutter mask. Oh and it was funny when Captain America had that list of modern day things he had to check out like Star Wars and Nirvana and sort of neat that they apparently did a different one of those for every country changing the references. But mostly just some stuff happened.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – more like The Amazing Spider-Man Poo!!!
Frank – this was good but it was weird that he looked like Frank Sidebottom but wasn’t like Frank Sidebottom? IDK why they didn’t make the head square or something. Good song.
X-Men: Days Of Future Past – it had the old X-Men and also the new X-Men in it can you even imagine?
Two Faces Of January – two men want to do a kiss on Kirsten Dunst! Which one is going to do the kissing? Oh no she fell down the stairs!
Edge Of Tomorrow – this was actually GOOD FUN despite marketing that made it look like a boring shootman video game. Sort of like Groundhog Day but instead of fighting his personality Tom Cruise fights aliens *and* his personality. Also he starts off as an arsehole getting his JUST DESSERTS and that is an enjoyable thing to watch happen to Tom Cruise. The ending is sort of stupid but what did you expect?
Guardians Of The Galaxy – everyone liked this so my controversial opinion is that it wasn’t very good woah. It was too dumb to care about things that weren’t jokes and there weren’t enough jokes in it. But have you heard the soundtrack with the ironic dad music LOL?
22 Jump Street – this wasn’t brilliant but was way better than it had any right to be although not as better than it had any right to be than the first one. But apparently the next one is also going to be Men In Black 4?
Gone Girl – was this meant to be a funny movie because I thought it got pretty funny? Anyway the Gone Girl owned Ben Affleck well done Gone Girl!
Nightcrawler – I think this was meant to be funny and I thought it was funny. Jake Gyllenhall is a weirdo who has learned everything from Wikipedia and internet forums for MBAs and decides to become an ambulance chaser in order to make a lot of money and then he does this because capitalism.
Interstellar – I guess they must have sent this film into a black hole because it seemed like it was 70 hours long!!! Anyway it turns out love is better than gravity, but not as good as gravy and then Matthew McConaughey pulls a face.
Mr Turner – Mr Turner was a DIFFICULT MAN who did paintings and then HE DIED. Bye bye Mr Turner.
The Hobbit The Battle Of Five Armies – a dragon crushes Stephen Fry to death and then there’s 3 hours of other stuff and then Billy Connelly is in it for some reason and then The Hobbit goes home.
The Imitation Game – it was also quite bad what happened to this guy who this time *was* Benedict Cumberbatch.
Oh also I saw The Muppet Christmas Carol at a “sing-along” screening and had emotions. The end.
I have been writing more Taylor Swift fan-fiction, for the best Facebook group that there has ever been.
It was Friday and one of the best kinds of nights there can be – a night of a Taylor Swift gig, and she was playing all of her best songs like Love Story and You Belong With Me and the one from the Paul Potts movie.
All her biggest fans from ‘The Metaphor and Cat’ Facebook group were in the front row and she gave them all high fives!
Suddenly she started playing the brilliant song Red from the album Red which is about colours and also emotions! Everyone was dancing so well but oh no suddenly the music stopped!
A strange metal voice echoed across the arena.
“HUMAN TAYLOR SWIFT FANS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS RED. YOUR BLOOD. WHEN WE HAVE EXTERMINATED YOU.”
Oh no! It was the Daleks! Taylor Swift was scared but she did not cry because she is so brave. What would she do now?
But suddenly there was a strange noise like a wheezing groaning noise like if it was Doctor Who’s TARDIS because that is in fact what it was! It landed on the stage and the door opened and Taylor Swift made a surprised face (but she was still pretty and also brave despite being surprised).
TO BE CONTINUED
“Right,” said No Slacking, of the No Slacking Talent Agency, “Today I have a very important job for you boys!”
“Did you hear that Barry?” said Paul
“What?” Barry looked confused.
“He’s got a very important job!”
“Yes, I know, he’s our boss!”
“No you idiot, he’s got an important job for us!”
“Yes, for us he’s our boss.”
“Oh do be quiet and listen.” said No Slacking who was getting cross at this point.
The brothers listened intently.
“Today we’re being visited by a singer who I am trying to sign up to my Talent Agency for to earn a lot of money!”
“Oh that’s good you’ll be able to buy a new suit.” said Barry. No Slacking’s suit was a bit old, but No Slacking clearly didn’t want to hear this as he was going all red in the face now.
“Less talking, more doing. You need to look after the singer and make sure there are no SHENANIGANS – and remember: NO SLACKING! Look, here she is now!”
Paul and Barry turned around and were so surprised that their moustaches nearly jumped off their faces…
TO BE CONTINUED
All the engines of Sodor were very excited as their favourite singer was coming to play a concert on the island. James The Red engine was especially excited as he had been chosen for her to ride on because of her song Red – yes that’s right Taylor Swift was coming to Sodor!
The night before the big day the Fat Controller (who we’re probably not even allowed to call that now because of the nanny state I expect) was checking some important business things when he heard some singing and also crying. It was coming from Percy the Small Engine’s shed.
“For why are you crying Percy?” said the Fat Controller.
“She wears short skirts, I’m a train. She’s cheer captain, I’m a train,” sang Percy sadly. For Percy was in love with Taylor Swift but could she ever love a train with a strange grey talking face for some reason?
“Percy you are a strange engine.” laughed the Fat Controller who to be honest didn’t care very much about the emotional welfare of his trains because of capitalism and so on.
But in a hotel room, the beautiful singer Taylor Swift shifted in her sleep in her bed in the hotel room… was she just missing Olivia Benson? Or was it… something more?
TO BE CONTINUED
Alex Salmonds sat on the Scottish step, crying. He looked at his new iPhone 6 Plus again, but the result had not changed. The dream was over.
Then suddenly he felt a gentle but strong hand on his shoulder. And a beautiful voice whispered in his Scottish ear.
“Shake it off.”
And Alex Salmonds knew it was going to be okay.
TO BE CONTINUED
Taylor Swift sighed and pressed print on the Buzzfeed article which the printer immediately printed into the shredder oh dear it was in all in bits now. When would another website that was a bit like Buzzfeed but with more handsome writers aggregate some of her content hopefully not using the word “bae”?
She stopped dreaming about the handsome writer who probably had brown hair and wore glasses I expect because the Delorean from Back To The Future had crashed into her kitchen! She had only just had that kitchen repaired from when one time stupid Harry Styles had set fire to a pan!
“Sorry about your kitchen Taylor Swift.” said Doctor Emmet Brown who was driving the Delorean as he is known for, “But there’s an emergency!”
“What could be so important you needed to destroy my kitchen which the internet says has crisp white cabinets that will never go out of style and a light-as-air space is accented by copper wall hangings and a stand-out hood vent?” said Taylor Swift who was pretty angry but was keeping her cool because she is always in elegant control.
“It’s your kids, Taylor Swift! Something’s got to be done about your kids!”
TO BE CONTINUED
Don’t even talk to me about irony.
This was the second performance version of this enduringly stupid bit of #content, sadly only captured on audio given it’s probably the only time I’ll perform on the main Barbican stage.
It was part of the Geek Show-off “fun” bit of the Wikipedia conference. Jimmy Wales wished us luck before we went on. The audience was mostly comprised of people tapping away on their laptops.
I waste the time of some people from Wikipedia by telling them about how I diagnosed Myers-Briggs personality types of London Underground lines, at Geek Showoff during Wikimania 2014.
Since we can now all turn on the telly and watch Parliament whenever we want, there’s even more opportunity to be appalled by our elected representatives! Look how your Govt support families who have children with special needs. This is representational & democratic pic.twitter.com/Qo5jaGqkAg- Kazzia (@KazzJenkins) June 16, 2014 But hold on a second, is this really fair?