Winning The Lottery With Nicolas Cage

I spent 2016 engaging in one of the most powerful tests of character that any human can experience: attempting to watch every Nicolas Cage film, in order, because I believed that it would have some mystical effect on reality that would change my life for the better. Also I bought lottery tickets and picked the numbers based off the films.

I wrote about it over on for whatever reason, so go there if you want to see a man’s spirit rise higher than it ever has before, or more likely crash back down into the bin again.

My Film Reviews Of Films 2015 Edition

I am going to review all the things I watched at the cinema this year, again.

It turns out mainly I watched quite a lot of cack this year.

Birdman – I liked how they pretended it was all one shot and the drums all went thunk a thunk thunk but I think it got boring after the man was all in his pants and then there were four endings? Calm down Boohoo Batman!

Jupiter Ascending – Never has something so passionately made so little sense. Sean Bean played a bee. A bee. A masterpiece.

Seventh Son – I was hoping this would be enjoyably bad but it was in fact indescribably boring. Some witches want to turn a realm into gold or something, Jeff Bridges looks like he’s lost a bet.

Furious 7 – Film of the year. The cars parachuted out of the aeroplane and then they jumped out of a building into another build and then into another building and then Paul Walker DROVE A CAR INTO HEAVEN.

The Voices – Ryan Reynolds is a “funny” serial killer or something? He cuts the women’s heads off, it’s a black comedy laughing out loud!

Avengers : Age of Ultron – Some more boring shit with robots, I expect.

Pitch Perfect 2 – Not enough singing, and all the bits where they were not singing were really amazingly bad!

Ex Machina – Domhnall Gleeson kisses a robot or something? I imagine it made me think!

Mad Max: Fury Road – Every single thumbs up emoji. All of them.

Jurassic World – You know how unhappy nerds make versions of The Phantom Menace where they edit out all the scenes with Jar Jar Binks or whatever? They should do a version of this where they edit out everyone who isn’t a CGI dinosaur.

Terminator: Genisys – Oh, just fuck off.

Everest – This was extremely stressful and bummed me out a whole lot because it turns out climbing up Everest is a really dumb idea and it doesn’t go at all well! Do not watch this film or try to climb up a mountain!

Inside Out – The people used the computers to make my brain feel emotions!!! U GOT ME AGAIN COMPUTER PEOPLE!!!

Death Of A Gentleman – I spent a lot of time this year watching cricket and according to this film it is going to die soon because of capitalism so that’s bad.

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. – Yeah, I really gave a shit about the origin story of The Man From U.N.C.L.E., thanks all. Guess what happens at the end? SPOILERS: HE BECOMES THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.! Still, I would probably sit through another one.

Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation – Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg did something? In a car? Not as good as the last one but absolutely fine, probably? I expect some people were disavowed.

Ant-Man – Top tip: put loads of good jokes in your superhero movies and they are actually fun to watch! (Meanwhile Ben Affleck growls about his city while Superman does 9-11 again, etc.)

Legend – It was sweet that they let some 13 year old boys write a film about their favourite gangsters. Tom Hardy was really good as London Bane and the Gay London Bane and then it turned out to have been narrated by a ghost?

Irrational Man – It is by Woody Allen and it has Joaquin Phoenix and Emma Stone and a murder and Neelix from Star Trek: Voyager in it. Did I like this film? Who knows!

The Martian – It was exactly like the book but you got to see many film stars who you recognise from other films doing it. Well done!


Christophe Waltz: James Bond you kissed my dad and now you must die.

James Bond: I disagree.

Black Mass – Johnny Depp played a sort of vampire gangster who hangs out with some very naughty policeman until things get too naughty and he has to wear a hat. 3 stars.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – I liked seeing all the things that I remembered from the past when Wagon Wheels were bigger and also some new things that were a bit like those things but different! Then I watched it again and I liked seeing all the things again again!

My Film Reviews Of Films 2014 Edition

I was going to go for a walk and then my mum asked me to take the dog and I didn’t want to because I was worried I would lose the dog or make it die in some way so instead I have decided to review all the films I saw in the cinema except any that I have forgotten.

Saving Mr Banks – this was about Mary Poppins’ dad or something and I think I cried because I was having a DIFFICULT WEEK.

American Hustle – everyone was dumb and/or cross and I didn’t like it.

Gravity – it was funny when George Clooney was Space Jesus.

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty – I guess Ben Stiller wanted a holiday and made this pile of shit so other people would pay for it.

12 Years A Slave – it was bad what happened to that guy and it was weird watching in a big room full of other people. Also Benedict Cumberbatch was in it for some reason.

The Railway Man – it was also quite bad what happened to that guy.

Anchorman 2 – this had one funny joke in it but I can’t remember what it was and the rest was appalling and if you liked this you are a bad person.

The Wolf Of Wall Street – this had good bits like when he’s done all drugs and can’t get into his car, but is 7 hours long for some reason and then at the end of the day it’s a real dude who basically got away with it and is still awful?

Inside Llewyn Davis – this gave me a lot of feelings but then I rewatched it and maybe didn’t have as many feelings but I like the song about the astronaut.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – I don’t remember watching this or why I watched it but it had Captain Kirk in it.

Robocop – they should have made the RoboCop remake be a meta-film about a cashgrab RoboCop remake or something. Maybe a stuntman has an accident and they make him into a RoboCop? I don’t know but it would be better than this although it was sort of weird and funny when they took off RoboCop’s body and he was all just lungs in a jar.

The Lego Movie – 1) It had Lego in it. 2) The best Batman film since the 1960s. 3) Grumpy Harrison Ford obviously refused to play Lego Han Solo, what a twat. 4) Just 100%, really.

Her – like Black Mirror would be if Black Mirror was good although I seem to remember some bits were painfully awkward and made me want to shout “DON’T DO THAT” at the man.

A New York Winter’s Tale – Colin Farrell gets a magic horse and tries to use it to steal some silver but instead steals the love of a beautiful daughter but the beautiful daughter has consumption and he tries to kiss it better with magic but it doesn’t work so instead he walks around New York for 100 years until he can kiss an 8 year old’s cancer better? Also Will Smith is in it as the devil. 10/10

Grand Budapest Hotel – I don’t know. Lots of things happened and it looked pretty.

The Zero Theorem – thin residues of leftover Gilliam with the occasional good bit, then it turns out to have been all about those damned money men at the studios messing with my creativity, maaaan! Oh dear.

Captain America – The Winter Soldier – The best bit of this film was when Jenny Agutter started doing kung fu stuff and the worst bit was when it turned out it was Scarlett Johansson in a Jenny Agutter mask. Oh and it was funny when Captain America had that list of modern day things he had to check out like Star Wars and Nirvana and sort of neat that they apparently did a different one of those for every country changing the references. But mostly just some stuff happened.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – more like The Amazing Spider-Man Poo!!!

Frank – this was good but it was weird that he looked like Frank Sidebottom but wasn’t like Frank Sidebottom? IDK why they didn’t make the head square or something. Good song.

X-Men: Days Of Future Past – it had the old X-Men and also the new X-Men in it can you even imagine?

Two Faces Of January – two men want to do a kiss on Kirsten Dunst! Which one is going to do the kissing? Oh no she fell down the stairs!

Edge Of Tomorrow – this was actually GOOD FUN despite marketing that made it look like a boring shootman video game. Sort of like Groundhog Day but instead of fighting his personality Tom Cruise fights aliens *and* his personality. Also he starts off as an arsehole getting his JUST DESSERTS and that is an enjoyable thing to watch happen to Tom Cruise. The ending is sort of stupid but what did you expect?

Guardians Of The Galaxy – everyone liked this so my controversial opinion is that it wasn’t very good woah. It was too dumb to care about things that weren’t jokes and there weren’t enough jokes in it. But have you heard the soundtrack with the ironic dad music LOL?

22 Jump Street – this wasn’t brilliant but was way better than it had any right to be although not as better than it had any right to be than the first one. But apparently the next one is also going to be Men In Black 4?

Gone Girl – was this meant to be a funny movie because I thought it got pretty funny? Anyway the Gone Girl owned Ben Affleck well done Gone Girl!

Nightcrawler – I think this was meant to be funny and I thought it was funny. Jake Gyllenhall is a weirdo who has learned everything from Wikipedia and internet forums for MBAs and decides to become an ambulance chaser in order to make a lot of money and then he does this because capitalism.

Interstellar – I guess they must have sent this film into a black hole because it seemed like it was 70 hours long!!! Anyway it turns out love is better than gravity, but not as good as gravy and then Matthew McConaughey pulls a face.

Mr Turner – Mr Turner was a DIFFICULT MAN who did paintings and then HE DIED. Bye bye Mr Turner.

The Hobbit The Battle Of Five Armies – a dragon crushes Stephen Fry to death and then there’s 3 hours of other stuff and then Billy Connelly is in it for some reason and then The Hobbit goes home.

The Imitation Game – it was also quite bad what happened to this guy who this time *was* Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oh also I saw The Muppet Christmas Carol at a “sing-along” screening and had emotions. The end.

My review of The Third Man

The Third Man is one of those films from when they made them in black and white in order to make them seem classy, but I think that’s just stupid as it’s hard to tell the people apart because you can’t see if they’re wearing a different coloured jumper or whatever.

This guy sells tyres with meningitis because of World War II or something.

As if that wasn’t confusing enough the main character is called Holly which a girl’s name even though the main character is not a girl. I did some research and found out that the director of this film was called Carol which is a girl’s name even though the director is not a girl. I don’t watch a film to see a director deal with personal issues! I watch it to see action and sometimes kissing!

Anyway it had a complicated plot: Orson Welles is dead but then he is not dead really he just had to pretend so he could get a free ride on a big wheel and then he is really dead after all. To be honest I’m not sure I 100% understood it, but that’s the gist.

My best thing in the film was when the funny army man punched the man with a girl’s name but then Orson Welles ends up shooting the funny army man to death which is a bit off as he didn’t even know the army man had punched the man with a girl’s name who he didn’t even seem to like that much anyway.

The worst thing about this film is how the camera man kept setting up the camera all wonky. I assume they must have made this quickly and didn’t have time to re-film it but I’d have thought you could cut out the squares of film and stick them back together wonky the opposite way so it would come back normal. Lazy.

This film is a bit pretentious and nothing exploded. 5/10.